The Blooming Age

Chacksee's Coming of Age

I am not ready.

I would prefer to run away, if it was ever be in the option.

I am so damn scared.

I am not ready.

My past doesn't encourages me.

My past doesn't prepared me.

My past doesn't praised me.

My past doesn't smiles at me.

But, I am here.

I am stepping.

I am moving.

I go forward.

To the new age.

The blooming age.

F*ck, I'm in my twenties.

All the responsibilities.

All the discouraging words.

All the independent kind of life.

I should take it.

I should face it.

I should live it.

Because I can.

I can change.

I can become better.

I can blooms.

People say, that 20 is the age when women start to blooms and showing the inner beauty that can't be seen before, and stuff. 20 has been said to be the first stage of defines your own self, about who you are, where are you taking yourself to, where are you standing, where you want to be standing on. Basically stuff that the adults were trying to reach.

And now, I'm twenty :) on last March 21st, I was having my 20th birthday. We can say that I am a... lady? now. It's weird. Regarding the facts that I'm still thinks and acts so childish I would pisses you off. But hey, everyone can't change in a single night. I'm actually willing to take those baby steps that is needed in the process of becoming a proper lady. I will eventually get to that stage. But in the meantime, I'm still can save you a fact that I am scared of being an adult.

My teenage age weren't well spent, I didn't get the chance to seek out who I wanted to be. I've been so pessimistic and unbelievably selfless, not in a good way. I almost hated my self. Although in the same time, I've been encouraging my self that I do worth something in the world that actually be needed in the acts we've been playing in this life, in parallel. But somehow, it won't overpowers judgemental side of my self.

Lately, I've been telling my self, that I need to change and I can actually change. I've made plans and "blueprints". Some had been done and failed. But I still have some more plans. I still have more chances. Chances to proves my self. That I have something worth to live in me, just like how the others are.

I will try my best to become a better person in the future. To actually embracing my life and identity while stepping and learning. To actually become an adult who can be someone the others can rely on, someone whom my self can rely on.

Until that moment, wish me luck.

XOXO, from the 20 years old scared big girl,

-Chacskee

[Behind The Shoot]

This is so silly, and lame, and weird, and a bit of creepy. The so-called-photoshoot were stared with a vision of a great pictorial as a result, but fail miserably. But still, it was fun and laugh-filled moment well spent with my mom and sister.